GrownOps.org

CW: Death, disability, financial trouble

They don’t teach this in school.

You already know what it means: GrownOps (grownup operations) refers to the processes and activities involved in the management and execution of tasks associated with taking charge of another person’s adulthood.

GrownOps is a succinct catch-all for the range of complicated and emotionally taxing drudgery, once the roles of parent and child are reversed. This could apply to any human relationship, but for the sake of simplicity, I’ll refer to the plight of caring for aging parents.

Most of us had imperfect childhoods with imperfect parents. In spite of it all, most of us will still support our parents in some capacity when called upon. They will need someone to advocate for their health, pay the bills, file the taxes, send the grandkids gifts, cancel the subscriptions, hire caretakers, and on and on until you’re planning their funerals and settling their estates.

Many of us aging hackers are going through similar right now. GrownOps is a huge topic that involves bodies, information, technology, money, relationships, and death. You’ll address nearly every aspect of your parents’ lives, and there are innumerable ways it can go sideways if you’re unprepared. Sharing is caring.

Disclaimers.

In this article, I’ll briefly share some important lessons that relate to financial security. I’m not here to describe what GrownOps is like for the uninitiated because I wouldn’t have listened to any of it, myself. However, I’m here to throw my arm out like a seatbelt for a few key pitfalls. My nonprofessional expertise comes from first-hand experience in Advanced Childhood. Many situations discussed are specific to the US. I’m not a doctor, lawyer, or financier, and none of this constitutes professional advice. Consult licensed medical, legal, or financial professionals for advice.

Don’t count your chickens...

Inheritance is a privilege and should not be taken for granted. If you expect to receive any amount of money after your parents die, listen up, because there are many ways that can vaporize. Even if you expect nothing, you can still somehow end up with less.

Money gets lost to romantic scams, addiction, gambling, medical emergencies, or an untrustworthy spouse. Just as money gets lost in the couch, money especially gets lost in the gap between wondering if a parent has dementia and confirming it.

Due to bad decisions or misfortune, you could end up footing profoundly expensive long-term care bills to support a parent who lost all of their money before you saw any of it.

It’s called a will because it will suck if you will not.

This one is tedious but crucial: Everyone needs to have a will. Don’t let your estranged uncle take anything from you that really should go to your chosen family or unmarried partner. Furthermore, revise it any time a concerned family member dies.

Have this conversation with your parents as soon as possible. Hire an estate lawyer to draft a legal document, get it witnessed and notarized, and securely store original copies. Then do it for yourself. You can’t legally create or change a will unless the party is sound of mind, so do it before something stupid happens.

Taxes, Power of Attorney, SSA

Inheritance money isn’t taxed if it's less than several million dollars. However, following the sale of inherited property or assets, you’ll likely owe capital gains tax. Hire a good CPA.

Durable Financial Power of Attorney (PoA) is a legal document you should have in place for each parent in order to authorize you to conduct business on their behalf. You’ll need to remember how to fax. Like a will, it must be notarized, and the authorizing party must be sound of mind.

The IRS recognizes a PoA. However, the Social Security Administration (SSA) does NOT. Have your parent update their SSA profile to list you as their designee for when they’re no longer able to manage it themselves.

Legal ≠ Ethical

Did you know that money at the bank is NOT governed by the will? The intentions otherwise protected by the will are inert at the bank. This legal loophole can be exploited by greedy relatives, leaving heirs empty-handed.

Banks have their own boilerplate legal paperwork that includes language about beneficiaries. The part that lists who inherits the money after the account owner dies states something vague, like: “Split the money among my children.” On its face, it seems sufficient until you realize that legally, it only benefits the surviving children. The descendants of their dead sibling get screwed.

Unless you wish to start a civil war in your family, have the bank update the beneficiaries to name secondary heirs, in the event that a child predeceases their parent. Sometimes these deaths happen in quick succession, leaving no time or mental capacity to double-check the fine print. It might sound wrong, but it's legal. Don’t sleep on this particular detail.

Parents on the internet, amirite?

Crime still pays, so the means of scamming the elderly have gotten exponentially harder to detect and more pervasive. Even the internet-savvy ones are easily fooled. What your parents do is their business, but what they do on the internet can have dire financial consequences for you.

Make sure they cover the basics: improve password hygiene, use MFA, download security updates, back up important data, don’t click on suspicious links, and update the ever-elusive privacy settings on social media sites (assuming it’s mostly older adults keeping the lights on at Facebook). Make the best effort you can, and make sure they understand how this could affect your life if they don’t.

Just pull the plug, they said.

Contrary to popular belief, most of us don’t have any control over the time, place, or circumstances of our demise. You’re more likely to spend the last years of your life disabled from an accident or illness, dependent on 24/7 nursing care. Someone will need to advocate for you.

There is no such thing as “just pull the plug.” You can shorten the time spent with an abysmal quality of life by writing an Advance Directive, also known as a Living Will or Medical Power of Attorney. Few people want to be kept on life support if there’s no prognosis for recovery.

The medical industry will conspire to make as much money as they can until you honor your parent’s wishes to be taken off life-extending medications or treatment. Whether they’re aging in place or at an adult living facility (ALF), they may opt for comfort care instead. That’s when you hire a hospice team (the only nursing care covered by Medicare, btw).

Medicare, Medicaid, Hospice, ALFs

Welcome to the Voynich Manuscript, our byzantine federal aid system. You get to learn about Medicare! It's federally subsidized health insurance for adults over sixty-five. You’ll help them select the right plan for their needs every November, if the coverage or their needs change.

Medicare does NOT cover in-home care or assisted living. To give you a rough idea, ALFs are like renting a private room in a group home that costs twice as much as an entire apartment. At least the food and utilities are included. If your parents have savings, they can pay privately. If they have property, they may need to sell the house. Plan wisely, because some people end up staying for years.

In some cases, Medicaid can cover some of those costs, but it's an invasive financial process that should involve an eldercare lawyer. Also, it's not free money, and the feds will claw it all back after your parents die.

Bonus advice: Dementia.

Visiting a person with advanced dementia is akin to improv acting. There’s a lot of creative deployment of “yes, and...” tactics. You’re not the center of their world; they’ve lost the cognitive ability to empathize, and they’ve regressed to egocentrism.

Don’t get angry; they’re ill. Laugh with them. Only ask yes-or-no questions. Don’t argue with them. Read them a story, or tell them about your day. Don’t attempt to resolve anything that’s bothering you. Treat them like a fully realized adult; don’t infantilize or talk down to them.

They may still retain a lot of knowledge and old memories, even if they don’t have the ability to externalize it. However, don’t expect them to record any new memories. Please, don’t remind them about other people who have died because you will only re-traumatize them, as if it’s new information all over again.

Bring their favorite snack. Take a short walk together. Music reaches them in a way that words can’t. If you love them, tell them, frequently. We’re all just walking each other home.

How are you feeling?

Emotionally, GrownOps will change you on a molecular level. Yes, it’ll build resilience, but don’t expect the calm resolve of wisdom to come instantly. It’s normal to feel out of sorts while you’re still fighting the good fight. Give yourself grace. Take care of your mind and body; you can’t pour from an empty cup. Prioritize your happiness, and take joy where you can get it. Remember that life is for the living.

Statistically, this work falls disproportionately to women in the family. If you have siblings, make deliberate plans together, and strive for a fair division of labor and costs when it comes to helping your parents. It’s hard enough when it’s going well; don’t let disagreements or resentment creep into your dynamic.

Crucially, your sense of humor is a load-bearing member. We need more sunlight and community around this singular yet universal experience. The madness is that once you get a handle on it, you’ll never have to do it again, but it will make you a markedly more empathetic person.

Socially, going out of your way to help others may sound counterintuitive when you’re up to your eyeballs, but it has alchemical powers. Connect with others who are Going Through It, and check on them after everyone else forgets. You’ll easily find ways to assist others who are feeling desperately alone in their GrownOps journey, and you’ll all be better for it.

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